Stump Lane
in the dirt since history began

YOU: For one thing, Montag, the whole waterboarding discussion is SO over!

ME: Yeah, this thing has been rattling around inside my head for a few weeks now.

YOU: And who even knows who John Yoo is anymore? OBSCURE!

ME: [sigh]

As a refresher, John Yoo is the fellow who wrote the memo staking out the OFFAL administration’s legal justification for the use of (not) torture.

For the UNITED FUCKING STATES use of (NOT) TORTURE as an INSTRUMENT OF STATE POLICY.

Incidentally, Yoo is also memorable for once positing that it was in the president’s power to order the crushing of the testicles of the child of an uncooperative prisoner in order to get the location of a good fishing hole. (So long as the president thinks it necessary.)

Thus John Yoo “the Baptist” prepared the way for the US’s newest weapon: a 900 foot messiah that accepts monumental handjobs from Oral Roberts University and ejaculates Freedom. When he makes sweet sweet love, even removes his foot from Democratic Iraq’s throat long enough to go ATM, and bust the gift of Liberty across her mascara-and-tear-streaked face.

900 Foot Messiah says, “It’s consensual! No exploitation here!”

And, “Shut the fuck up, bitch!”

And a little mopping up and a satisfying piss later, “Who’s next?”

Thanks for that, John Yoo!

Yoo da MAN!

But seriously… (more…)

The culprits behind the string of mysterious Midwest power outages have been discovered, and let’s just say they won’t be threatening our Homeland Security anymore…

…a squirrel came in contact with an overhead transformer and knocked out service to 177 customers Monday. Power was fully restored in just under an hour, and repair crews found the remains of the “unfortunate squirrel,” he said.

By coincidence, another squirrel got into a substation 40 miles away in Ironwood, Mich., Monday morning and caused a temporary outage that affected about 1,400 customers… [Associated Press: Squirrels briefly kill power in 2 cities]

Many readers have criticized my earlier characterization of these vicious attacks on our national economy and the down-home psyche of Middle America. Some of the reaction I would say rises to the level of mild outrage, with a few even calling upon me to publicly retract my prior speculation as to who might be responsible for these attacks.

I will be making no such retractions!

While my early reporting wasn’t 100% correct on this, I still stand by my partially correct assumption that Al-Qaeda was behind the attacks. However, my sources now tell me that it is actually a specially trained Iranian militant group behind these squirrels, and that this group maintains a loose relationship with, and operates under, the Al-Qaeda brand.

And while these squirrels probably weren’t brought into the country by your garden variety Spanish speaking illegal alien, it is by no means a stretch of the imagination that they could easily be illegally smuggled through our porous borders!

The fact is, in this post 9-11 world, we live dangerous lives in a dangerous country. It is perfectly reasonable to scrutinize the events of these dangerous lives through the lens of caution. We must come to terms with the threats all around us, and realize that even the most benign threats could be actually quite serious threats. And we should encourage our policymakers to consider the question: will we allow an Iran armed with elite squads of Iranian-trained suicide squirrels to persist?

Some battles in the War on Christmas are less fierce, (and less sensical,) than others:

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use “ho ho ho” because it could frighten children and was too close to “ho,” a US slang term for prostitute. [Santas warned 'ho ho ho' offensive to women]

Frighten children?! This many children haven’t been unnecessarily frightened by a thing since automatic flush toilets started going off half-cocked! Unless you count all the kids gettin’ down to the FEMA Rap for Kids and taking it seriously. (Hat tip: IOZ.)

I think the Santas should just say, “heh,” to maximize the cynicism of the holiday and covertly prepare the children for the truth. When the lie unravels they’ll be able to look back and realize, “I always thought something was up with Santa.”

“I was just thinking what an interesting concept it is to eliminate the writer from the artistic process.” —Tim Robbins as Griffin Mill in The Player.

Profit taking is based on exploitation. Give the writers their fair share.

Associated Press: Picketing Begins in NY in Writers Strike

P.M. PWN3D

Q: What’s more disturbing than the definition of waterboarding our “elected” “leaders” like to openly and politely discuss in dulcet tones?

A: A frank explanation of real waterboarding:

Waterboarding is not a simulation. Unless you have been strapped down to the board, have endured the agonizing feeling of the water overpowering your gag reflex, and then feel your throat open and allow pint after pint of water to involuntarily fill your lungs, you will not know the meaning of the word.

Waterboarding is a controlled drowning that, in the American model, occurs under the watch of a doctor, a psychologist, an interrogator and a trained strap-in/strap-out team. It does not simulate drowning, as the lungs are actually filling with water. There is no way to simulate that. The victim is drowning. How much the victim is to drown depends on the desired result (in the form of answers to questions shouted into the victim’s face) and the obstinacy of the subject. A team doctor watches the quantity of water that is ingested and for the physiological signs which show when the drowning effect goes from painful psychological experience, to horrific suffocating punishment to the final death spiral. [SWJ Blog: Waterboarding is Torture… Period]

Keep this in mind at all times as you consider words of Attorney General Nominee Mike Mukasey:

“I don’t know what’s involved in the technique. If waterboarding is torture, torture is not constitutional.”

Now, Senator Whitehouse (D-RI) thought those were weasel words. No wait, “a massive hedge,” he said. (They were.) But Whitehouse got the follow-up all wrong! He pressed Mukasey for an opinion on whether waterboarding was torture.

YOU: Ok, so what would your follow-up have been, smart ass?

ME: I was going to tell you anyway, but since you asked I’ll tell you anyway.

YOU: Uh… What?!

ME: Just read on…

Since Mukasey’s statement isn’t really all that unreasonable, one might have said: “Fair enough. But let’s just say the president authorized waterboarding, and it turns out that waterboarding is torture. As the chief law enforcement officer of the country, would you feel compelled to prosecute the president for that crime?”

And Mukasey’s answer would be, “Um no,” because he’s another one of them unitary executive types.

Your Montag has written about this before, back when we were confirming Justice Alito. I did so in the form of a football analogy which may be interesting in light of the Super Bowl incredibly over-hyped game coming up this Sunday.

And read the rest of that waterboarding link!