Stump Lane
in the dirt since history began

There may be an interruption in posting over the next few days. There may will not be even so much as a Saturday morning photo. We’ll see ya when we see ya. Soon.

We don’t embed video here at The Stump because not everyone’s internet connection can take it. That said, here is an embedded video. Some bloggers have called for peace songs. Since someone has already posted A Perfect Circle’s version of Imagine, Your Montag will post the next best thing:

Atheist Peace by Bad Religion

Maybe it’s too late for intellectual debate,
but a residue of confusion remains.

Atheist peace

Suggestion: read the original comic first to get a feel for the joke, then read the alternate version. You’re invited to leave your own take on the joke in our underpopulated comment section. Click here for past examples.

Dear Reader, Your Montag is not going to do a reformulation of this Bazooka Joe comic. It speaks on it’s own with dual meaning.

Is it a commentary on how aware some Americans are of the world around them, and current events?

Or, is it a statement on the practical value of the information infotainment the media provide?

Notnecessarilywithstanding, Time magazine came out with its ‘Person of the Year’ issue this week.

Your Montag was given the honor.

So was everybody else.

That’s right, in one of the greatest cop-outs of all Time (har-har-har) “You” have been named person of the year. In any case, in a fit of self indulgence, and as person of the year I am allowed to self indulge, here is who I think should have made the cover. (And yes, my attempt to turn Time into a supermarket tabloid, is just another feeble comment on the state of our media today.)

Comandante Agi provided the impetus and template for the half-assed Time cover project.

Here is an example. An example of the ridiculous inanity that passes for conversation on the radio sometimes. I won’t mention the name of the show (which I often enjoy) or the participants (whose identities are not important.)

I paraphrase. Note: [bracketed comments] are entirely fictitious and were in no way part of the conversation. I add them here just because I can; and in my own way, to make note of their absence:

So what do you think about John McCain? Is he electable?

He seems to be the front-runner right now, but I don’t know that he’s realistically electable.

What about Hillary? Is she electable?

She’s got good name recognition, but I don’t know that she is really electable where she would need to be electable. I mean I’m not so sure she is electable enough to get the electoral votes in the places she needs to be electable to win an election.

She’s polling well right now. That doesn’t mean she’s electable?

No, polling is useless. Polling only measures ‘name-recognition.’ Which doesn’t always measure electablility. (Just ask Lieberman. Everybody’s known that dude’s name since he ran for Vice President.) Giuliani and Hillary have good name recognition right now, but it’ll be interesting to see how things change as people get to know McCain and Obama.

[What about Kucinich? He's already thrown his hat in the ring.]

[Who the fuck is that? Never heard of him. Talk about name recognition -- I said name recognition doesn't always equal electability; but you still gotta have some of that shit.]

Obama? He seems like a whole lotta electable, doesn’t he? Hunka-hunka electable, right?

Yeah, but he’s electable as a possible candidate. I’m not sure he will stay electable as an actual candidate. You know, once the press turns on him like they did Screamin’ Howard Dean. Remember how electable Dean seemed at first? As for now, I’d wager if you did a poll you’d find that folks ‘in the know’ on the grass-roots level find Obama very electable — more electable than Hillary, even. … But look, the election is almost two years away, let’s wait and see who actually decides to run, then we’ll figure out who’s electable and who’s not electable.

[Kucinich has already actually thrown his hat in the ring.]

[Who the fuck is that again?]

How sad is that? In the context of a conversation that is meaningless because the elections are so far off, in which it isn’t worth discussing the electability of candidates who haven’t officially declared their candidacies yet, a candidate that has officially declared his candidacy isn’t even worth a mention.

Hey, I have an idea! … NAAAH. It’d never work.

Wanna hear it anyway? (more…)

Not a witch.

You’d tell us if you were getting an unusual number of “Internal Server Error” messages while trying to access this shit site, wouldn’t you? (Mail: montag at stumplane dot us)

I ask because I wonder if such a thing could be caused by one of our recently implemented spam countermeasures.

Thanks.

PS. Yes that was an actual typo. A Freudian shit?

Suggestion: read the original comic first to get a feel for the joke, then read the alternate version. You’re invited to leave your own take on the joke in our underpopulated comment section. Click here for past examples.

“You say last night you dreamt aliens appeared inside your house and probed you with your own Christmas tree?”

“That’s right! When I woke up the politically-correct police were coming through the door with a battering ram to repress my right to say ‘Merry Christmas’ instead of ‘Happy Holidays’!”

[Post continued below.]

Check out this headline:
Student Expresses Personal Preference — Substitute Teacher, Forced to Contain Own Rage, Attempts Socratic Dialog, Composes One of the Most Egregiously Fallacious Pieces of Argumentation in the History of Blogging

[Actually, that's my headline.] Actual headline: Christmas trees or winter trees?

The barely contained rage:

Recently, I was talking to some kids at school about our upcoming Christmas break. One of the boys said that he prefers to call it winter break because some people don’t celebrate Christmas. To me, those are fighting words.

“Merry Christmas.”

“Yes, thanks, and Season’s Greetings to you as well.”

“What did you just say?”

“I prefer to say ‘Season’s Greetings’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas.’”

“Them’s fightin’ words!”

“What?!”

“Prepare to defend yourself, damned motherfucker!”

The attempt at indoctrination disguised as Socratic dialog:

I told the young man that just because one chooses to not celebrate the holiday does not negate its existence. I then went on to talk about decorations in the stores. I asked him if they are called Christmas decorations or winter decorations. Of course, he answered, they are called Christmas decorations. I then asked, what are the trees called that we put in our homes and decorate? Are they Christmas trees or winter trees? Again, he stated they are Christmas trees.

Then I asked him about Thanksgiving, Easter, Independence Day…you get the picture. Are they holidays, I asked? Of course, he replied. Christmas is, too, I said. It is historical and there is a reason why it is celebrated, although different people celebrate it for different reasons.

“When does winter start?”

“December 22.”

“When does our upcoming school break start?”

“December 22.”

“Is Christmas one day, or eleven days?”

“It’s TWELVE!”

“Are you serious?”

“Ok, one.”

“Is this school break one day, or eleven days?”

“Eleven.”

“So, is calling it ‘Winter Break’ a false characterization?”

“Well— No.”

“And does my personal preference for calling it ‘Winter Break’ prevent you from calling it ‘Christmas Break,’ or harm you in any way whatsoever?”

“Why can’t I call it ‘Christmas Break’ without you piping in with your insolent ‘Winter Break’ talk?”

“Freedom of speech, teach! Besides, I’m a kid. We fuck with substitutes all the time.”

The egregiously fallacious argument:
If you don’t want to go read it yourself, just imagine an impassioned rant against political correctism here. Then wrap you head around the author’s concluding statement:

Like it or not, it is Christmastime. Millions of people around the world celebrate it. And it will continue to be celebrated. No one is forcing anyone to acknowledge it, just as no one will take away my right to say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays.

[Ok, just imagine an impassioned rant from Your Montag against slippery-slopism, strawmanism and ignoratio elenchi (red herringism) here.]

Anyone have any idea how many battles in the War On Christmas, play out like this one? Which was roughly like this:

“I prefer ‘X’.”

“WELL I PREFER ‘Y’ AND I AM GOING FUCKING BERSERK UP IN THIS PLACE BECAUSE YOU’RE TRYING TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME, FREEDOM HATING TERRORIST!!!”

YourHub.com – Green Valley Ranch: Christmas trees or winter trees?

[Please excuse this post thusly: It's Wednesday: the day of the week we ordinarily bring heavy political issues down to the comic strip level of discourse. So, why not take the lazy way out and look at an already comic, and comically fake, issue?]

“This deregulatory effort cannot be defended.” —Representative Henry Waxman [Los Angeles Times: EPA May Drop Lead Air Pollution Limits]

18,000 votes for Congress disappeared by Florida e-voting machines. [Christian Science Monitor: Election controversy hits Florida, again]

The Iraq Study Group recommends privatizing Iraq’s oil industry for foreign investors.

• As soon as possible, the U.S. government should provide technical assistance to the Iraqi government to prepare a draft oil law that defines the rights of regional and local governments and creates a fiscal and legal framework for investment. Legal clarity is essential to attract investment.
  [PDF file: The Iraq Study Group Report]

Also:

• The United States should encourage investment in Iraq’s oil sector by the international community and by international energy companies.
• The United States should assist Iraqi leaders to reorganize the national oil industry as a commercial enterprise, in order to enhance efficiency, transparency, and accountability. [Ibid.]

Man Attends Event— which Your Montag can only make sense out of if I hold, as a matter of faith, the belief that it is nothing more than a brutally clever triumph of satirical comedy —Grows Balls Enough to Stand Up Under Oppression.

In this case, the oppression of an on-duty Anal-Mart employee:

A few weeks later, Stephenson, 43, is still not sold on profanity. But he has ditched the nice-guy reflex of always turning the other cheek. When he spots a Wal-Mart clerk writing “Happy Holidays” on a window, he boldly complains: It should say “Merry Christmas.”

The clerk erases the offending greeting. Chalk one up for Christian testosterone.

“I wouldn’t have done that before,” Stephenson says proudly. “I am no longer a doormat.” [LA Times: Manliness is next to godliness -- Via: TBWSDIFS]

Ever buy a bag of dog food so large your dog’s life expectancy becomes a factor in the decision?

Parts one and two.

Mrs. Montag has moved into orbit.

Continued from here…

So, where does one go to find obscene beer, anyway?

Oh, I know…

Photo credit: theplainjane.com

…but, no. That’s no good. That’s in Massachusetts. Santa’s Butt is probably legal there. If I wanna stick it to the man— and avoid an undue four-hour commute to the beer store —I’d have to stay closer to home. A trip to the local grocery store would turn up exactly what I was looking for…

Be warned, Dear Reader, for you will most certainly find what follows objectionable. (more…)